I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
