If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There's always time for handjobs
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
false alarm, still single
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
