Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
