it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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