Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
