i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
