How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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