Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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