You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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