I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
