there's paper in my vomit.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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