Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
