I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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