My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
