just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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