I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
