Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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