Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
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