I looked at my own cervix.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
How does it feel to date your dad?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
