I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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