i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
