When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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