Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
