I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
