I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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