Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
