My room smells like vodka and shame
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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