Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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