so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Never joke about your clitoris.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
