remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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