her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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