his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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