spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
