i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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