I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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