alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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