Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
