Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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