I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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