I'm eating all of the evidence.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
