then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
