When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
