I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
be right there i have to get my cape
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
