I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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