remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
