i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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