I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
This house was built for laser tag.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
