she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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