Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The struggles of a small town man whore
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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