Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
