I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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