seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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