dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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