I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
