Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
