how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
