remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Randomize
