Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
