I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
