i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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