similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
