she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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