he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
