I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
